there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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