so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
