Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
