i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
