i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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