my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
