Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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