she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
