i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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