Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize