I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
