I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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