I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
