that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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