have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
