He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
