put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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