You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
