i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
two words...techno handjob
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
