my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
