hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
