apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
