Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
