OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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