you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
