Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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