the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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