So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
