at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
