Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
