Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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