Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
