Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
