Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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