tell your sister to shave her snatch
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
