i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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