I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
