I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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