I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I look better un-naked...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
