Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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