So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
