i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
