i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
