come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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