I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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