Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
