gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
