3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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