i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
