Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
this just has baby written all over it
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
