Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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