he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
