on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
