OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
