3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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