when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I think my moral compass just broke
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
