Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
